Healing the relationship I have with myself, with Kirsten.

At the beginning of 2021, I decided to wear some of the clothes I never got the chance to wear out before the pandemic hit. I didn’t grasp how much weight I gained over the last year, so when I tried on my clothes, I was surprised, to say the least. I was already going through a big depressive episode around that time, and seeing myself in the mirror with a skirt on that barely fit me was the last thing to push me over the edge. I cried so much that by the end of the day, I exhausted myself.

I never really had a good relationship with myself, especially with my body. I don’t remember a time in my life where I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I looked good. In photos, I always thought that I was too fat or awkward. I never wore any sleeveless tops in public because I thought my arms were too large or shorts because of how fat my thighs were. The media didn’t help me either. Every show or movie I watched, it was always the clear-skinned, skinny girl who won. I grew up thinking that that was the standard, that if I wasn’t skinny or if I didn’t have clear skin, free from any acne or scar, I wouldn’t win. That January, I decided that I wanted to change.

It was tiring waking up every day in a body you thought was unlovable, so much so that even you couldn’t love it yourself. I’ve lived with this for more than 10 years, I can’t handle more. So I changed, slowly, but surely. I started working out after years of saying that I would but never did. I try to eat at least 3 meals a day instead of just 1 or 2. Slowly, my body changed, and my mind did, too. The more I kept up with these habits, the more I started to like the person I see in the mirror every day when I wake up. It isn’t easy though. I went through a depressive episode in early March and didn’t work out for 2 weeks. But I managed to pull myself together and I tried again. I started fixing the relationship I have with myself.

I know this isn’t going to be easy, and I know unlearning the hatred I’ve accumulated will be tough, but I can do it. I’ll do it. I’ll get there eventually.